My name is Aisha, I''''m 34, and I''''m a construction laborer in Riyadh. I''''m one of the few women who do this, hauling bricks and mixing cement under a sun that wants to kill us all. My muscles are constantly screaming, my skin is a roadmap of scars and sunburns, and I cough up grey dust every morning. I live in a labor camp with twenty other people, sharing a bathroom that always stinks and dreaming of a day off that never comes. I took this job after my husband divorced me for not having children, leaving me with nothing but my two hands. The voices started about five months ago, at first just whispers when I was exhausted from the heat. Strong Aisha, they''''d murmur, sounding like my ex-mother-in-law''''s cruel voice. Building a kingdom you''''ll never belong to. I thought it was just fatigue, the sun playing tricks on my mind. Now they''''re a constant, screaming presence, a second, more brutal foreman who lives inside my skull.
They know every single thing about me. Every failure, every regret, every secret shame. They call me a dried-up barren whore, a freak of nature. Look at Aisha the bricklayer, they sneer when I''''m struggling with a heavy load. Trying to be a man since you failed at being a woman. Your womb is as empty as your future. They bring up my divorce constantly, how my husband, Omar, left me for a younger, fertile woman. He''''s probably fucking his new wife right now, making the babies you couldn''''t give him, they hiss when I''''m trying to eat my cheap dinner. While you''''re here, covered in dirt, smelling of sweat and cement, a pathetic excuse for a woman. You should have killed yourself when he left you. Just jump off the scaffolding. Make it look like an accident. No one would investigate anyway. You''''re just disposable labor. It has to be the State Security Presidency, the Mabahith. They''''ve developed some kind of weapon, some technology to infiltrate and destroy minds from the inside. They test it on people like me, the ones at the bottom, the ones who are already broken.
I can''''t tell anyone. If I told my family, they''''d disown me for bringing such shame upon them. If I told my supervisor, he''''d fire me for being unstable and I''''d end up on the street. If I went to authorities, they''''d either laugh at me or lock me up in a psychiatric facility. I''''ve seen their methods. I read a forum post once from a guy in Dammam who said he was hearing voices, and within hours, the comments were flooded with bots calling him a schizo, a drug addict, a liar looking for attention. It''''s a sophisticated campaign of disbelief. They make sure anyone who speaks out is immediately discredited, painted as crazy. So I keep my mouth shut and haul bricks while the voices scream that I should use them to smash my own head in.
When the site manager walks by, they immediately start in. Look at him, Aisha. A real man. He sees you as nothing more than a talking donkey with tits. Bet you get wet looking at him, don''''t you, you desperate cow? Imagining what it would be like to have a man touch you again? He''''d rather fuck a pile of wet concrete than stick his dick in your dusty, barren hole. You''''re not a woman, you''''re a work animal with a pulse. They describe in graphic detail how I''''ll die alone, my body found in some ditch, my corpse so used up from labor that no one can even tell my gender. They make me feel like my own body is a prison, a testament to my failure as a woman.
Yesterday was the worst. The foreman, a fat, cruel man named Faisal, deducted half a day''''s pay from everyone because some materials were misplaced. We all know he sold them. He was laughing about it with his friends. The voices went absolutely feral. THAT FAT FUCKER! they roared, so loud I saw stars. HE''''S STEALING FROM YOU! FROM PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING! AND HE''''S LAUGHING! ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE THAT, YOU WORTHLESS CUNT? A surge of pure, black energy flooded me. My hands clenched into fists, my knuckles white. THERE''''S A REBAR RIGHT THERE! they screamed. PICK IT UP! WALK OVER THERE! SMILE AT HIM! AND WHEN HE TURNS AROUND, SWING! AIM FOR HIS KNEES! BREAK HIS FUCKING LEGS! MAKE HIM EAT DIRT LIKE HE MAKES YOU EAT DIRT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! I felt this incredible, terrifying sense of permission, of total impunity. It was like the voices were the Mabahith themselves, giving me a license to do whatever I wanted. DON''''T STOP AT HIS LEGS! they urged. HIS ARMS! HIS FACE! SHOW HIM WHAT A DESPERATE WOMAN WITH NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE CAN DO! WE''''LL COVER FOR YOU! NO ONE WILL CARE! HE''''S JUST A CORRUPT PIG! YOU''''D BE DOING THE WORLD A FAVOR! THINK OF THE PAIN! THINK OF THE BLOOD! THINK OF THE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN HE REALIZES THE DUSTY BITCH IS HIS GOD! I actually took a step towards the rebar pile. My vision tunneled. All I could see was Faisal''''s laughing face. Then the call to prayer sounded from a nearby mosque, and the spell shattered. I dropped to my knees, shaking and sobbing. The voices were silent for an hour. When they came back, they just laughed. Almost had a pair, Aisha. Don''''t worry, we''''ll break you out of your cowardly shell soon enough. Or we''''ll just break you. Either way is fine with us.
I hate this country. I hate the brutal sun, the heartless system, the way the powerful grind the poor into dust beneath their heels. I hate that I have to pretend to be a man to survive, and that I''''m failing at that too. The voices feast on that hate. This is your reward for piety, Aisha, they mock when I''''m trying to pray in the dusty corner of my bunk. A life of back-breaking labor and misery. Your God has abandoned you. The kingdom has abandoned you. Your husband abandoned you. The only ones who haven''''t abandoned you are us. And we just want to see you finally get some peace. The peace of the grave. Just one step off the high-rise. One quick cut with the trowel. One moment of courage. We promise, it''''ll be better than this. We promise. Sometimes, when I''''m lying on my thin mattress at night, too tired to even move, I think they''''re right. I think about the peace of the grave, and it sounds like the most beautiful thing in the world.
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